For the blog today I wanted to share with you a excerpt from my journal. This is what it is like to lose a child to cancer every single day.
10/17/2011 An Excerpt from Jeanine's Journal
Justin was cleaning the gutters today and I thought of you. I could see you on the roof-sometimes it is good to have these visions.
I had some “sad” moments today as I read Lane and Jake's Caringbridge. I also received a message from Michelle B. The chemo is not working-she is afraid of dying. She wanted to know how you were “so brave”. She asked me if I had any advice. How can I give advice? I have never been told that I was dying.
I told her that you had your moments and that at one point you lost faith. Do you remember talking to Chaplain, Michelle two weeks before you left us? I remember seeing her sitting on the floor in your room next to you. You talked for two hours. You felt better-it provided enough support for you to finish your journey.
Son, how did you keep going knowing that you were dying? How scary that must have been for you-never did you let us see your fear. How did you deal with knowing this-how does an 18 year old young man face his death? This is the first time that I have thought about this.
CJ, I am so sorry-so very sorry that I could not prevent this from happening-I could not change the outcome. I am sorry that you had to go through-cancer, chemo, radiation-then to know after all of that you were still dying. Yes, Dying…. I, your mother, who would protect you from anything-could not alter your journey.
CJ you were so brave-for us. I love you my sweet boy
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With hope we continue to smile,